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fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Hey i am sexy to you now
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.