I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?