I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”