Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
No, YOUR illiterate.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Lucky old June.
It’s an epidemic…
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.