[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me