A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
…żyje?