*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
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I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.