(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
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“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?