My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
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Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I WON A HAM TODAY
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.