My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
New favorite tiktok
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.