Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
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You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.