building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
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Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no