The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.