Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
You Might Also Like
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
We’ve come full circle
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]