Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
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My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
That’s what I call a flat tire
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.