Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*