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Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I am HOWLING at this
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with