Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
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What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light