“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
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Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.