Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
A cabbage a day keeps people away.