My wife gives the best headache.
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So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.