i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
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because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.