I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
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My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
How funny!
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.