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The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.