A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT