The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
This is the one
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?