comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Breaking news:
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.