me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
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During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on