*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
the last thing a carrot sees
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.