It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
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kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Previously On Persistence 😎
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I’m a self-made hundredaire
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I like crazy people until they notice me
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
uh oh
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.