My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
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Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread