Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.