why isn’t he texting back
You Might Also Like
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?