You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
There is no try. There is only give up.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.