new record!
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On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I feel like one of these would kill a European
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.