Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.