Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
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To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.