The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
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How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My first child will be named New Folder.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.