In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
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“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”