Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
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I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Welcome to the stomach
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates