I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
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will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.