HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Life hack
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes