something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
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“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family