What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
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My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk