*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
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flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Happy birthday to all the women
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.