Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
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They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name