Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
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happy birthday to me. i am 25.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.