Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
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Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
🙀🙀🙀😹
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.