Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
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Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt