I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.